Should I forgive him and forget everything?
Yes, maybe I SHOULD.

But CAN I do it?
Well.. I know exactly that I CAN'T.

He's too bastard to be forgiven.
And it's too hurt to be forgotten.

Every single star at the sky reminds me
how deep the pain he has made to me.

I'm really tired of struggling these feelings every day and night.

Humph.

.iHate.

Seseorang yang mencintaimu
akan membalut hatimu yang pernah terluka
dan menjaganya dengan setulus hati
agar tidak terluka lagi
dan ia akan memberikanmu yang terbaik
walau harus menyakiti hatinya sendiri…

Hopefully someday I will find that "someone"
Amen :)

- "Ms. Astrid" -

Today is my first day being a teacher. First day to be hired for doing a job. First day teaching the students in front of the classrooms.. Hehe..
I really thank God for this chance. I know that it's not such an easy job, but I promise to give my BEST!

You know, it's kinda weird to hear them calling me"Ms. Astrid" hahaha..
I work twice a week for 4 hours of 7 classes each day. It's so tiring but so fun if you decide to enjoy it..

I believe I can be a blessing for the students and even for the fellow teachers in BSC (Brilliant Study Center).. Maybe I just have less than 2 months to work there,, but I know that I may gain a lot of experience and I will never regret it.

I will work hard. I will give my maximum efforts, not only in teaching but also my study and church services. I'm trying to give my best in every aspect in my life..

I'll give the BEST, not only the GOOD (",)

wish me luck ;)

- "our CULINARY trip." -

Kmrn gw, ria, n hartono pergi wisata kuliner ke daerah puri stlh rapat RHB hehe.. Padahal gak direncanain dl sblmnya,, tiba2 aja tercetus ide gila utk pergi ke daerah puri, either utk makan ato ntn princess n d frog wkwk..

Akhirnya stlh melalui perjalanan yg agak rame lancar, kt sampe di daerah puri.. Gw ajak mereka keliling daerah pesanggrahan bwt cari makanan terjangkau.. Tiba2 mata kt "nyangkut" di bakso jawir hahaha.. Lalu di tengah gerimis kt turun pake payung di depan bakso jawir,, trus lgsg duduk mesen makanan.. Pesanan kt adalaahhhhh.. YA BAKSO LAH YAH PASTINYA,, masa gado2,, mana ada??! Huahauahuahua.. Pizzzz :P
Hehe.. Jd kt mesen 2 porsi bakso bihun gt,, ria n tono pesen yg ada bakso telor segede gabannya,, gw pesen bakso urat yg kecil2.. Pas keluar,, buset baksonya ria bener2 gede bgt,, mpe kaget liatnya hahaha.. Trus dengan pedenya kt "ngeramu" kuah baksonya,, dtambahin sambel, kecap, cuka, dsb.. Alhasil,, pedes bgt booo!!! Gila,, kt maen nuang2 aja sambelnya,, pdhal ternyata puedesnya minta ampun! Sampe2 abis makan bibir kt bertiga merah n jontor wakakakak.. Geblek abis dagh. Tp kt ga nyesel mkn dsana, krn enak bgt n harganya terjangkau hehe..
So bakso jawir is highly recommended!! TOP bgt lah hoho..

Trus kt lgsg lanjut ke sandwich bakar.. Dsana kt mesen sandwich ham yg medium ukurannya bwt dmakan bertiga.. Slama nunggu kt jg msh sempet foto2.. Biasalah cewek! haha :P

@sandwich bakar

Keluar2 dr sandwich bakar,, gw n ria kekenyangan amat sangat! wkwk.. Gak tau deh si tono kekenyangan jg ato gak wkt itu hehe..

Then kt msh lanjut lg ke puri mal sblm nganterin gw plg.. Pertama sih rencananya cm mw muter2 aja, jalan2.. Maklum ada 2 makhluk asing yg gak pernah ke mal puri hahahaha :P
Trus gw ajak mereka liat2 ke XXI nya,, niatnya sih cm MAU LIAT AJA.. Ternyataaa.. Sampe sana kt tergoda jg bwt ntn wkwkwk.. Apalagi filmnya mule jam 7 mlm, pas bgt.. Akhirnya ria nelp nyokapnya minta ijin bwt ntn, n stlh dibujuk2 nyokapnya ngijinin jg.. Trus gantian gw yg nanya ke nyokap gw blh ntn ato ga,, eh ternyata nyokap gw malah nyuruh gw pulang huhu.. Ga jadi ntn deh :(

Krn ga jd ntn, ria n tono akhirnya beli yogen crepes di foodcourt. Mrk beli yg strawberry delight.. Hmm ngiler bgt sih liatnya,, tp perut gw dah ga muat lg bwt dmasukin makanan, jd gw cm ngeliatin mrk makan aja deh hahaha :))

At last, we went home.. They took me to my house and then they went home to Pademangan :)
Well even it's just a short culinary trip, but it was soooo FUN!
And I believe that we'll make another great culinary trips later on.. More foods, more cafes, more restaurants, more more more! Eat 'till you drop!! Hahaha :P

Thanks for d culinary trip, guys ^.^

- "MAKARONI panggang =)" -

This is my cooking :D

. . m a k a r o n i p a n g g a n g . .

Hen hao chi!! hehehe..
It takes almost 2.5 hours to make it.. Pfiuh.
Tiring, but satisfying! Hihihi..

I cooked a lot,, wanna try some? :)

It's so sad
When someone you KNOW becomes someone you KNEW.
When you just walk passing him
like he's never been a big part in your life..
How you used to be able to talk to him for hours,,
and spent the days together..

and now..
You can't barely even look at him.

Pfiuh. What a life.

When someone hurts you,
cry a river,
construct a bridge,
and then CROSS it!!

- "Aku tak mau sendiri." -

Sejak ia pergi dari hidupku
Dia tinggalkanku sendiri disini
tanpa satu yang pasti

Aku tak tau harus bagaimana
Aku merasa tiada berkawan
Selain diriMu, selain cintaMu

Kirim aku malaikatMu
biar jadi kawan hidupku
Dan tunjukkan jalan yang memang kau pilihkan untukku

Kirim aku malaikatMu
karna kusepi berada disini
Dan di dunia ini aku tak mau sendiri..

Tanpa terasa kuteteskan air mata ini
Yang tiada berhenti mengiringi kisah di hati

Aku tak tau harus bagaimana
Aku merasa tiada berkawan
Selain diriMu, selain cintaMu

Kirim aku malaikatMu
biar jadi kawan hidupku
Dan tunjukkan jalan yang memang Kau pilihkan untukku

Kirim aku malaikatMu
karna kusepi berada disini
Dan di dunia ini aku tak mau sendiri..

- "He's Out of My Life." -

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life..

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for almost a year he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands..

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned to late

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damn indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life..

- "Erghhhhhh!!!" -

DAMN I miss him!!
I miss his attention.
I miss the way he treated me.
I miss his messages.
I miss his calls.
I miss his hugs.
I miss his arms.
I miss his smell.
I miss his stories.
I miss his voice.
I miss his hands that held me tight.
I even miss his car.
And his house.
And his dog.

I miss the way he WAS, the OLD him.

But not the way he IS.

You know,, missing him isn't the hardest part.. But knowing I once ever had him is what BREAKS my heart..

I really hate this feeling!!!
And hate myself too!!

Errggghhhh.. DAMN!!
Why should it be so hurt?

- "i'm just.. NOT strong enough." -

Kadang gw merasa kecewa pada diri gw sendiri. Gw kecewa ketika gw mendapati diri gw masih menangis krn semua hal buruk yg terjadi dalam hidup gw beberapa bulan terakhir ini. Dan gw sadar serta mengakui, bahwa dialah alasan terbesar mengapa gw sampai kembali menitikkan air mata. Setiap kali gw bercerita pada org lain ttg hal ini, atau setiap kali gw menangis diam2 di kamar, gw selalu berkata pada diri gw bahwa "ini adalah air mata yang terakhir utk dia.."
Tapi, gw selalu berkali2 gagal menahan diri gw untuk gak menangis lagi bwt dia..

Beberapa minggu terakhir ini gw sudah berhasil utk gak menangis lagi, dengan susah payah gw menahan air mata ini.. Karena gw tau, bahwa setiap tetesan air mata gw hanya mengingatkan betapa gw sangat sulit utk melepaskan dia dan melupakan semuanya.. Gw mencoba menegarkan hati gw. Gw baca quotes2 positif yg bs menguatkan gw. Gw buka setiap ayat2 alkitab yg menghibur gw. Gw ingat setiap kata2 support dari sahabat2 gw.. Gw mencoba merasakan kembali setiap hal2 buruk yg telah dia lakukan terhadap gw. Gw berusaha untuk membenci dia, berusaha menghapus perasaan sayang dan sakit hati gw..

Gw berhasil membangun "benteng pertahanan" di hati gw selama sebulan terakhir ini.. Tetapi ternyata benteng itu kembali runtuh ketika pada akhirnya beberapa hari yg lalu gw kembali menangisi dia sebelum gw tertidur.. Gw menangis sampai jam 3 pagi dan gw gak bisa tidur, padahal keesokan harinya gw harus kuliah hari pertama di semester pendek ini..
Setiap pertanyaan dlm otak gw membuat gw kembali merasakan sakit.

"Kenapa dia bs berubah sampai seperti ini?"
"Kenapa kok bisa2nya dia tega ngelakuin smua ini, biar bagaimana pun gw pernah mjd orang yg dia sayang kan?"
"Apa sih yg ada di pikiran dia saat itu?"
"Apa yang salah dgn diri gw sampai gw harus mengalami hal semacam ini berkali2?"
"Dia tau smua luka dan sakit hati gw slama ini, tp knp dia msh tetap tega ikut menyakiti gw spt yg dilakukan orang2 lain?"
"Kenapa gw membiarkan diri gw sekali lagi jatuh cinta pada orang yg salah?"
"KENAPAA??! KENAPAAAA??!!!"

Gw sempat kecewa dan marah pada diri gw krn membiarkan air mata ini kembali mengalir utk suatu hal yg sebenarnya sia2.. Toh,, kenyataan gak bs berubah mjd lebih baik jika gw menangis kan? Dan gw yakin dia sendiri bahkan gak ingat akan gw.. Dia udah bahagia, tapi kenapa gw gak bisa bahagia juga? Setiap orang berhak untuk bahagia kan?

Dua malam berturut2 gw menangis sampai pagi untuk dia.. Gw merasa gak cukup kuat utk terus berpura2 bahwa semuanya baik2 aja. Gw gak sanggup untuk selalu meyakinkan diri gw sendiri dan orang lain bahwa gw telah pulih dan udah merelakan dia. Gw gak bisa membohongi diri gw bahwa sebenarnya dia masih menyita sebagian besar pikiran gw di setiap harinya.. Gw lelah berpura2 dan menyembunyikan semua kesakitan gw di balik senyuman dan tawa2 palsu.
This smile is a mask, to hide my tears; this happiness is a costume, to cover up my fears.
Well.. I may look happy, but you have no idea what's happening inside me..

Gw tau utk memulihkan hati gw sepenuhnya memang membutuhkan proses dan waktu yg panjang.. Tapi gw hanya lelah menghadapi semuanya. Gw begitu ingin cepat bangkit dan melupakan semuanya sampai2 gw cenderung memaksa diri gw sendiri. Padahal gw sadar memang gak mungkin hanya dalam waktu satu bulan lebih gw bs menghapus semuanya dan kembali baik2 saja.. Kembali menjalani hidup dgn normal seakan2 semua ini gak pernah terjadi. NON SENSE!! Gak semudah itu, bukan?!
Arrggghhh.. You can never know how's my feeling after all that you've done to me, jerk!! Huh.

Gw pernah mendengar suatu kutipan, "Seorang wanita menangis bukan karena ia lemah, tetapi krn ia tidak sanggup lagi untuk terus berpura2 kuat".
Yah.. Itulah yg sedang gw alami dan rasakan.. Gw gak cukup kuat. Atau setidaknya gw BELUM cukup kuat.

Hhhhhh.. Lalu kapan gw akan kuat utk benar2 melepaskan, memaafkan, dan melupakan segala kesakitan yg pernah dilakukannya pada gw??
Gw cape. Gw benar2 lelah T.T

Plis, gw cm pengen bahagia.

- "my PRAYER." -

This is the day that I've been waiting for!!
NEW YEAR DAY!!
New life.
New prayer.
New hopes.
New HEART, especially.
A fixed-up heart on this new beginning of my another life story :)

Well..
I have some resolution for this year:

1. I want a boyfriend, pleaseeeeee... hehe..
I hope last night was the last new year celebration for me being single..
Hopefully in this 2010 I meet my real partner that I believe God has provided him for me..
*And no more broken heart, please..* AMEN :)

2. I want a Black Berry.
Gemini is enough for me :D
*Think that I have to save more money to buy it*

4. In the end of this year,, I wish I could get a 50% scholarship from my university for the next semester.. It means that I have to study really hard to get "A"s for most of my subjects and raise my GPA up to 3.9 +..
*Hoaahhh.. Finger crossed!!* ^.^

5. Let me lose my weight for about 3 or 4 kilos, please! haha.
*Could someone teach me how to do diet?? I really don't know how to do it huhu :(*

6. Hopefully I can be a better servant of Him, either as the Worship Leader, singer, cell leader, secretary, or everything else that He wants me to do..
*Let me keep giving my best for Him!* (",)

7. I wanna be free from my favorite sin. I'm struggling so hard not to do my favorite sin in the last year, but sadly I was failed. Today, on the first day of the new year, I renew my commitment to avoid doing that sin. I wish in the end of this year I can reflect back on and say to myself "You win, Astrid!"
Amennnn...
*I know that I can't do it without You strengthen me, Lord*

8. I want my family to be closer and filled with love, peace, joy, and blessings.. Please no more disappointment and tears for us.. Can I put a hope on this thing?
*Help us, God.. Grant us deeper love and patient for each other..*

I believe that You hear all my hopes and prayer, Jesus..
May these hopes of mine come true, but only by Your will, not my will..
Just let Your will be my will.

Thank You, Lord.
I know exactly that nothing is impossible for You.
Amen. (",)