- "Should I leave?" -

Dear my BiG,,

I thought that we're going to serve Him forever together
I thought that the spirit will always exist between us
I thought that our love and desire will never be expired
I thought that we're going to be a solid family forever
I thought that we will raise up and be much better than before
I thought that BiG will be BiGger and even be the BiGgest from time to time

But unfortunately,
I think I was wrong
I think it is quite impossibly happen
I think I should not put too much hope and expectations anymore

I've been waiting for so long to see us raise up
I've been praying too much
I've been so patient and keep all my sadness deep inside my heart

I really miss the way we used to be
the way we prayed together
the way we served Him
the way we worshiped
the way we played music
the way we danced
the way we gathered as a community
the way we spent laughter and tears
the way we organized retreats and events
the way we hung out to Puri mall after PD 'till late at night
the way we played monopoly while laughing out loud
the way we shared our problems and strengthened each other
the way we gave supports
the way we went to Dufan and Bandung

Don't you miss it too, guys? :'(

I was so proud of us that time..
I shared everything to my brothers and sisters at Hiero about us,
I wanted them to grow just like how we were..
But now.. I have almost nothing to share with them except my sadness of our condition.
I have nothing to be proud of.

I'm not even needed here.
I haven't been contributing a lot.
You all will keep going well without my presence,
so why should I stay?

All my close brothers and sisters have gone..
None of them stays beside me.
None of them really cares.
See.. I always feel lonely whenever I go there..
Feels like I just get there purely to serve Him,
and not to gather with my brothers and sisters..
I've lost you all.
Feels like you're not my second home anymore..
And I really miss you :'(

What hurts me the most is that I know that I can't do anything for us except keep praying and praying and praying..

If I may ask You one question, Lord..
Should I leave or should I stay? :'(

If You wanted me to leave, why didn't You take my heart away from BiG?
Why should I still love them?
Why should I care?

But if You wanted me to stay, please tell me what should I do..
Coz I can't overcome my sorrow for seeing this condition anymore, Lord..
You know I really love them T.T